Best book for weathering toddler-era?
So now we're feeling awake and reasonably put together with G, who is now 9 months old. We came back to two books over and over during this last year that were like baby bibles: The Happiest Baby on the Block for the first few months when we didn't have a clue and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child for the long months after when we were wondering if we'd ever sleep through the night again. So, now I'm wondering what's the next miracle book for the next season with G? Like how to do more than just make him sleep -- you know all that parenting stuff like boundaries, play time, discipline... Any suggestions?
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ha- wish i had an answer...we could use that miracle book. i'm guessing that the older they get, and the more they are a "product of their environment", the less a book can tell you the answers exactly for your chid. however, i have enjoyed "boundaries for kids" (drs. townsend and cloud), and the "5 love languages of children" (gary chapman). oh and "shepherding a child's heart" (ted tripp- be forewarned, if you don't want to deal with the issue of spanking, don't read this...you'll be forced to address it!) my next book read is parenting with love and logic (kline?)
I also love "Boundaries for Kids"- the book Katey mentioned. It sets a strong foundation for your entire life as a parent. Also, I would recommend a book called "Positive Discipline (first 3 years)". Here's the link on amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Toddler-Laying-Foundation-Conf...
Whether you decide to spank or not, this book is full of great ideas and tools to keep up with all the challenges you face with toddlers. It gives many alternatives to punitive punishments and has been a resource I have gone back to many times. Good luck!
Wow, I have so many favorites, but I'll try to narrow it down.
If discipline is your focus, I think Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason is astonishingly mind-blowing in changing your whole perspective on praise and punishment and how to treat children. Or you can just watch the DVD! See, easy.
For good tips on how to relate to your growing child, I recommend Playful Parenting, by Lawrence Cohen. It shows how to use play (the child's preferred method) to communicate and work through problems with your kids. It encourages me to get off the couch and down on their level! :)
One I hear recommended over and over is Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate, which is about how to form such a strong connection with your kids that they then won't attach unhealthily to other people or things. It's a little ahead of where you (and we) are at, which is why I haven't found it pointedly helpful at this age, but it can help give you a mindset to keep for the future.
There are also some more general parenting books that I think speak to your son's age as well as younger and older kids:
Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent, by Meredith Small, is a fascinating look at the science of how (God and) biology have made babies the way they are, with the needs they have, and how different cultures have interpreted this radically differently.
The Continuum Concept, by Jean Liedloff, is almost more of a philosophy book, sort of a dream of what ideal parenting and family/community life might be.
And if sleep is still a concern, a good read for toddlers and older children is Mary Kurcinka's Sleepless in America: Is Your Child Misbehaving...or Missing Sleep?. It has lots of good tips on how to create a calming sleep environment and arrange schedules throughout the day.
Hope some of those will help! I would definitely check out Unconditional Parenting (the Seattle libraries have the DVD and the book, fyi) and then whatever else piques your interest. I find Unconditional Parenting a really good challenge to the whole concept of what it means to love unconditionally. It's not a Christian book, yet I think the conclusions are so very Christian. Once you read/watch it, though, we can hash that out and see if we agree!
From an attachment-parenting perspective I like
for sleep issues I like "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Pantley and Karp.
But for more general stuff, I like "Emotional LIfe of the Toddler" by Liberman. It goes a long way in letting you understand what's going on during tantrums, etc.
You'll probably also need, "The Three Martini Play-date" by Mellor.
Stay away AT ALL COSTS from the Growing Families International crap...."On Becoming Toddlerwise" or "Growing Kids God's Way" Some very messed up stuff that pretends to come from a Christian perspective.
I'm reading the Positive Discipline books that Shannon mentioned - they are excellent. I also recommend "Love and Logic for Early Childhood" by Jim and Charles Fay (mentioned by Katey).
the Love and Logic books are all good (even "Teaching with Love and Logic can be helpful to parents), as are Boundaries for Kids and Love Languages for kids. I taught 2-2 1/2 year olds for a number of years in a childcare and I have to say that one of the most helpful books for me with my students and my own toddlers were the Love Languages for Kids and What To Expect the Toddler Years (seriously :) )
I am having a little trouble with my four year old. He is usually really good, well behaved. He always has been. Lately he has been crying and whining so much i am on the verge of totally freaking out!! Totally out of his character, I feel like i've tried everything. Setting time aside for more sleep. Patiently listening to him. Ignoring him. Swatting his hiny. Taking him to the park. Reading. play dates. What can i say, he whines all day long! I am not the type of parent to give in when the whining starts, so he KNOWS he isn't going to get his way. But still he persisits and i swear he looks for things to cry about. He has good days, but on the bad days i have such a hard time being patient. He never went through the "terrible two's", maybe I didn't escape that stage after all! Fortunately he will be starting pre-k in the fall, and am thinking that will help. But how am i supposed to respond to this consistent complaing/whining?
Mandy - it sounds like you've tried everything and have been very patient, that's hard work!
Our son never really whined a lot, but between 7-8 years old he began talking in this odd/cartoon voice that one of his friends use. It's not really what you'd call whining, but it is used for the same purpose, and it drives us crazy. We simply refuse to respond if he talks in that voice. "If you'd like to say something to me, you need to use your regular voice." And it works pretty well. I'm not sure if it that would translate into a 4-year old's world, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
We did something similar both with our own boys and in the childcare class that I taught. If a child was whining, we would say "I can't understand what your saying when you use your whiny voice. I only understand big girl/big boy voices" (we would also do this with "please" and "thank you"). It took some repetition, but it usually worked.
I LOVE The Discipline Book by the Sears. It has really specific sections for toddlers looking at stages of development and focus a lot on relational connection and positive discipline. The definition of discipline in the title is more in the way we think of it when we think of "self-discipline," which involves much more than just correcting negative behavior. I find i return to this book over and over whenever I feel stuck with my kids (now 4 and 2 1/2).
7 kids, 31-11 yrs old. 4 grands. I liked "Raising Great kids Parenting with Truth and Grace" Cloud/Townsend and "Raising Your Spirited Child"Mary Sheedy Kurcinka w/ workbook was a life saver! She also has a book on Kids Parents and Power Struggles and one on sleep. I also like "The Complete book of Christian Parenting" by Dr William Sears. It is great for keeping up with developmental stages any book that tells what happens when in development is great to have on hand.
I would agree that Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child is a great book for parents trying to get their child to not only sleep through the night but on a good nap schedule as well. Initially we tried going the route of making our baby be 'flexible' as many friends said how neat it would be to have a baby that could 'go with the flow'. After many sleepless nights and long days with an unhappy baby we turned to the book and gingerly followed the steps. Within 3 days our baby slept through the night. Now at 17 months he has been on an amazing sleep routine of 12 hours a night and a two hour nap each day nearly like clockwork. And the best part is he is happy most all of the time. And so are we!! :-)
My husband and I also like the Love and Logic Parenting Books. We also have an almost 18 year old daughter. We used these books during her upbringing and learned a lot about raising a person!
Currently I am reading The No Cry Discipline Solution. Theories are much like the Love and Logic approach.
As for whining we use the, "I'm sorry I can't understand you when you are whining. Please use your words and mommy will listen." I also often say to my son, "Mommy will wait until you are ready to talk to me." And even repeat lovingly, "I'm waiting to hear you." Usually works.
Best of luck moms and dads!!
Kristi Lyn
"I would agree that Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child is a great book for parents trying to get their child to not only sleep through the night but on a good nap schedule as well."
I'm definitely right there with you Kristi. That book was a savior for my wife and I. We didn't realize how important a really good nap schedule was until we became diligent with it. Once we got him on schedule, everything clicked. Now, we only have a few nights a week where he has trouble. It's glorious!
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Toddlers are free spirits-they enjoy testing the limits presented to them. This involves a lot of breaking the rules and misbehaving. Thanks for sharing the information.
Regards,
Jack - discipline and toddlers
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